Have no fear of moving into the unknown. Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well.
Do this in complete faith and confidence. - Pope John Paul II
It is hard to start to start to explain and put into words what years have done to me in regards of losing my mother.
You know – the stages of grief. Those you read about. Those that the therapists remind you.
You keep going back and forth with them. You may follow them in order, or skip some, or get stuck in some, and go back to some.
1. Denial and isolation;
Personally I have experienced all. Got stuck in some for a long time. Went back to some… It has almost been 10 years and there are days that still feel I am just figuring out life without her.
It’s a big deal when it comes to the loss of your mother.
My relationship with her was extraordinary. We were connected. She claimed I was like her belly button. Always stuck on her.
And yes. Even when she is not physically around she still is here with me.
Let me try to be thorough in my attempt to explain.
As mothers you are always connected to your child. It starts in the womb. You grow inside her. She is the first voice you hear. She is the first heartbeat that you get to know.
She shows you how to love unconditionally. She shows you how to be a better human. She goes to war for you (I hope this is understandable).
She finds and will always do anything in her capability to help you, to guide you, to care for you. In sickness and in health. She is there.
When I lost her – I did feel alone. Abandoned in a way. How could she leave me?
As I struggled and learned about those stages of loss that I mentioned, it took me some years to open up my eyes in a very different way.
She didn’t abandon me. She walks beside me every day. She has carried me when I have fallen. Not physically – but in the most amazing and spiritual way.
She has let me know she is around. That her spirit is watching over me.
The most amazing and unexplainable things have happened to me and I still don’t know exactly how to explain to people.
But those that know me - understand and believe me. And some of you that might be reading this have witnessed it too.
I started traveling to Tulum about 5 years ago - a place that is beyond magical. A place where there is an unexplainable energy. Where the air is light. And the ocean is breathtaking. It’s a place to heal. A place to clear out the baggage.
The first time I was there with a group of women in a yoga retreat, the ocean was rough and full of seaweed. I sat on the morning to meditate and ask my mom for a little help. We were going to have a “clay” ceremony where you wash it off after putting clay on your body – in the ocean. How could this happen if the ocean was full of seaweed? My prayers, petition and voice of help was heard in no time. The day of the ceremony the water was clear for us to swim and rinse our clay of our bodies.
Every year I go back to Tulum and have the feeling she is right there. Every year I go in rainy season and she clears the sky for me.
She sends the rain when I need to clear my heart and rinse my sorrow. But during the day – the magic, the love of a mother – my mother - is felt and seen in miracles that again- not many would understand.
This year was no exception.
My best friend and I arrived to Tulum on a Thursday. We had decided to explore the “unknown” Yucatan for a few days before our arrival to our destination.
I found the morning of our trip money swimming in the ocean.
On our way we stumbled upon the opportunity to explore Coba. (This will lead me to another story). We asked the driver to stop for an hour so we could do some sightseeing. The money we paid for entrance was the same amount as the money I had found swimming in the ocean.
After our impromptu adventure we arrived to Tulum. The driver told us 2 days ago – the water was full of seaweed (sargazo) and made it impossible to even get close to the water.
Do you see what I am trying to explain? My mom. She sent us to explore for two days while she in the heavens took care and cleaned out the beach for us.
The water upon our arrival was clean. “Cero Sargazo” None. Nada.
The water, for the days that we were there was crystal clear. The ocean was calm. The beautiful turquoise color waters of this beautiful place were back.
“It is a pleasure to fall in the water today” said our Italian friend from which we rented a paddle board.
The water had not been as magical and beautiful since December of 2018 – we were told.
I could keep telling you a million stories and a million miracles that I witnessed on this trip.
I went to heal, and breathe, I went to remind myself that there are greater powers up there in heaven that will always help you find the way – God of course, but my mother – she outdid herself this time.
She always finds a way to take care of me. Of showing me that she is right here holding my hand even when I feel alone. She has shown me that there is no battle that I fight where she abandons me. She is right there helping me in very step I take.
So here it is. The power of a mother. The love of a mother. The force and strength of a mothers love never leave you.
Yes. We are human and crave the physical. But look beyond, specially when you feel alone or troubled. The love of a mother is right there. Working miracles. Taking care of their children no matter where you are, or no matter where she is.
Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws. " - Barbara Kingsolver
A mother. A yogi. A friend. A traveler.